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Word on the street is that . . .

Posted by The Swollen Goi... on Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Kathleen Turner may have eaten more than half of her PR team.

Moriarty/Drew McWeeny and Harry Knowles/Harry Knowles are staging a skirmish to drum up interest in HitFix.

Three weeks ago, Megan Fox split her soul sixteen ways and made Horcruxes out of all the current U.S. Supreme Court Justice and every one of the miniature Oscars received for Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Slim Whitman just made a deal that's going to keep The Empire out of him forever.

George Hamilton has been living on nothing but Tang and Oil of Olay since 1978.

Joaquin Phoenix is secretly sane.

Mel Gibson is fucking himself in the hand until just before the point of no return, stopping, apologizing to God, and returning to padding out his latest forty-five minute opus with as much slow motion as possible. Projected final run time: two hours, fifty-seven minutes.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 37 weeks ago

It should read "Justices," but it appears thread starters can't be edited. Ah, well.

Continuing the Word on the Street:

Mickey Rourke has been hired to replace Samuel L. Jackson in The Spirit, Too!, too. Returning as chief source material rapist and legacy dishonorer will be Frank "Spank Tank" Miller.

Kirsten Dunst and Billy Corgan are both 1.5 failures away from admitting they were born from the same mother's womb in the hopes of drumming up any tiny little scrap of publicity they can.

Kid Rock doesn't plan to leave us alone anytime soon, despite the cold, impenetrable fog of hatred 92% of North Americans emit whenever he is within 5,000 yards of them.

Eli Wallach kicked the Angel of Death in its spectral junk the last four times it came a'claimin'.

The Larry King robot is programmed to run another three years before its warranty is voided. From there, it's only a fried circuit or two away from being dismantled and sold for scrap by CNN.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

The sequel to Marley & Me, tentatively titled Me, may be dead in the water. Or is that . . . Undead?! Spy reports suggest that the George Romero rewrite of the potential sequel, Zombie Marley & Me . . . ow!, which pits the Grogans' lovable-but-troublesome deceased pooch against a roving band of blood-thirsty Werecats, has been received with mild enthusiasm by 20th Century Fox. Details at this point are sketchy, but these same spy reports indicate that the Werecats are more a felt presence than a seen one--somewhat in the Tourneur/Cat People vein.

Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

You know, those words on the street... they're just tiny cracks. The street gets that way from cars and other vehicles driving along it. They're not some secret alien-written code from eons ago that only you can decipher. They're just cracks.

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

Says you! How about that crack, huh? That one right there! What is it saying?! You have no idea, do you?

Well?

I thought not! You may think you know crack, but you do not know crack the way I know crack.

It's a good thing I'm on it. That's right. I'm on that crack. I'm on crack of all kinds. And you can expect me to keep being on it. You can expect me to be on every crack from here to Krakatoa! You can expect me to cover cracks from hill to hill, and from mountain to mountain, from valley to valley across this broad land!

I don't have any choice in the matter. I'm just doing what I have to do. I'm a crack journalist.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

And now for a special, all George Lucas Edition of Word on the Street Is That . . .

George Lucas still brags about that time he did Linda Ronstadt to anyone who will listen.

George Lucas really liked The Spirit.

George Lucas has seen to it that neither he, nor his children, nor his great grandchildren's great grandchildren shall ever have to worry about running out of Aqua Net.

There are only five copies of Action Comics 1 with a CGC of 4.0 or higher, and George Lucas owns all twelve of them.

George Lucas has changed his son's name from Jett Lucas to No,-Mine's-Not-the-Dead-One-Who-Was-Autistic Lucas.

There isn't a character in the Star Wars universe whose name George Lucas can't mispronounce.

George Lucas's wattle is capable of storing one liter of water comfortably, and as many as 4.33 (repeating decimal) liters uncomfortably.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

Nobody else hearing any street words? I'm the only one?

No gossip?

No scoops?

No?

Daltons chin dimple
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Posts: 12800
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

I heard that Ben Stiller laughs maniacally whenever he realises that he managed to fool people into thinking Tropic Thunder was just, like, the funniest thing ever dude.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
omicron
Location:
Posts: 1238
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

Word on the street is that L Ron Hubbard STILL can't believe all these Hollywood actors are buying into his scientology shit

We were watching Al-Quaeda, and all this time our security services should have been keeping watch on Jakester's throbbing nutsack!-Dalton's chin dimple
Mouse
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Posts: 42
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

I heard that after promising to retire after Fearless and then making Forbidden Kingdom and The Mummy 3, Jet Li's family is forcing him to perform seppuku.

I also heard that William Shatner is naked in Chris Pine's apartment, waiting. Brooding and waiting.

Daltons chin dimple
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Posts: 12800
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

I heard Bryan Singer can't speak because he has his mouth full.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Bill_the_Only
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Posts: 702
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

I heard Rob Schneider pays migrant workers outside Home Depot to come home and strangle him in the shower while he masturbates.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

Kevin Farley is excited to begin filming the Fight Club prequel, Tentatively titled Bitch Tits, in early March. The Animaniacs's Robert Paulsen is rumored to be playing a small-but-significant role as Farley's "asshole boss."

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

Only three things bring Dianne Wieste to a state of sexual ecstasy: watching shaved mice try to escape from a thirty gallon trashcan half-filled with glass noodles, hiding both her Oscars in "special places" and feigning surprise when guests ask to see them and neither can be located in the trophy case, and leftover succotash casserole.

I Drugged, Date-Raped, Eviscerated, Ate and Wore Parts of Drew, Brian Herzlinger's planned follow-up to his 2004 smash, My Date with Drew, has been met with swift legal action. Filming may be halted for as many as six months.

Spy photographs taken of Lucas Black having dinner with Stephen Sommers suggest the young actor may be involved in the reshoots for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Your guess is as good as ours, but a cameo as Beach-Head (also an Alabamian) does not seem to be without the realm of possibility.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

Josh Brolin's "Got Milk?" add, in which he can be seen dressed as George Moscone and dipping a Twinkie in a glass of the white stuff, has been deemed "tasteless," and will not be making its planned magazine debut in April.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 40 weeks ago

Emo Phillips eats denim.

Marcus Vick, having apparently learned nothing from his brother's mistake(s), has been charged with multiple counts of duct taping cats' tails together, hanging them over clotheslines, and letting nature take its course.

Bill_the_Only
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Posts: 702
Posted: 10 years 40 weeks ago

Michael Phelps mooches bong hits and...and... BOGARTS them!

Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 10 years 40 weeks ago

Get off the crack(s), Goiter!

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 10 years 39 weeks ago

Christian Bale apparently pisses razor wire.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 10 years 39 weeks ago

And when Halle Berry orgasms, she makes the milk turn chocolatey.

EDIT: upon reading that back, it sounds slightly racist!

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 38 weeks ago

Hugh Jackman insisted that all cast members with speaking parts in the upcoming X-Men: Please, Dear God, Forget the Last One: Wolverine allow him to wear and piss their pants before filming. No, not their wardrobe pants. Their personal property.

Glenn Close is slowly devouring the life essences of Gary Busey and Nick Nolte.

The corpse of Charlton Heston is all set to play himself in the just green-lit Zombie Heston biopic, tentatively titled My Cold, Dead Hands.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 38 weeks ago

LeeAnn Rimes has changed her middle name to "George," all but confirming rumors of the recent revelation that she is, was, and always will be the illegitimate whoreson bastard love child of George Foreman.

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 10 years 36 weeks ago

Apparently, thunder is actually Heath Ledger still being awesome in the afterlife.

No word yet on weather lightning has anything to do with Bernie Mac.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Space Tycoon
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Posts: 2464
Posted: 6 years 45 weeks ago

Bernie Mac is dead.

And its "whether," not "weather."

Unless it is.

 

Space Tycoon
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Posts: 2464
Posted: 6 years 45 weeks ago

In which case, it's "it's," not "its."

Perhaps.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 6 years 5 weeks ago