Corona | Coming Attractions

Fine!

Guy with a serious case of blue balls tries to initiate sex with his wife one night. She says, "You know I have an appointment with my gynaecologist tomorrow. He said to make sure I come in totally fresh. Maybe some other night, Dear." He sat there smoldering for a minute or two. Finally, he asked, "You don't have an appointment with the dentist tomorrow, do you?"

Post of the Day Award, Motherfuckers.

LOL Jakester would've approved!

That reminds me of the classic joke:

One sperm says to the other sperm: "Hey, are we to the uterus yet?"
The other sperm replies: "Uterus? Are you crazy?! We just passed the esophagus!"

It also reminds me of this other classic joke:

Jack [that's me] says to the lonely blond: "Are you bored? I have an idea: let's play dentist."
Lonely blond: "Okay, how do you play?"
Jack: "Well, do you have any cavities that need filled?"

Before anyone says anything, just remember that Jake would've wanted it this way.

Quasar set me up, the bastard.

He's been waiting to post that all day.

Hey, Jack.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

We better get some support, or people will think we're nuts!

 Pretty good one, Goit.

And Scarlett, that had to be rough. Like Dalty and Quasar said earlier today, I'm still trying to register it over here...Trying to understand that I'll never get bitch-slapped verbally in online form by Jason again. If we're still in disbelief of what's happened, I can't imagine what you had to go through to form any words in post form, let alone that...As you said, just focus on yourself. And have Adam let us know when the service will be for Jason.

I know we can't do much since we're spread across the globe but your Batman idea is superb....I'm going to find something of Batman or Doctor Who and I'm going to keep it with me on the day of the service. 

Also, I've made the announcement at the "other" forums and so far have received at least a dozen emails from other Maniacs. He made quite an impact over there and it's going to be a while before the word can get out to all the veteran commenters. But let his mom and brother know that he made an impact over there as well. I'm trying to get them to register here or go to his Facebook so they can express just what he meant to them.

And if there's anything we can do to help out on anything, let us know. I saw Kim's message that Julia was going to try for 1,000 Girl Scout orders. Can you let them know we have enough fat-asses here who would love to buy them in memory of Jakey. Anything to do our part as you and the family go through this difficult time.

Adam, thanks for being the go-between while Scarlett goes through this as well. You rock, sir. 

Now back to the dirtiest jokes you damn fools can think up in honor of that geeky bastard. I think we had a joke thread over there in the mid 2000s and Jakester was always pushing the envelope. I'll see if we can dig some of his up. 

Since we're talking jokes and Batman, I might as well post this:

It may not be dirty, but it's wet.

Stop posting Batman stuff, Thursty: it's inappropriate. Gawd.

 I regretably was no longer Facebook friends with Jake, so I'd missed that post about Julia wanting 1,000 Girl Scout orders. Count me in for a few boxes for sure. I'll try to get the details of how we can do that. Frankly I'd be quite all right with having them donated to a food shelf out there in lieu of making the family ship them my way. Regina says she'll get details from Kim tomorrow on how we can order, for those who'd be interested. $4 a box. 

Also, I was reminded tonight of how damn great the Ask Jakester threads were back in the day. He was like a dirtier, straighter, funnier, almost always straighter Dan Savage. 

 What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

Why did the condom cross the road?

Because it was pissed off.

All right. Here's a selection from my personal store:

A man is in the examination room waiting for the doctor. The doctor comes in and says, "Sir, you're going to have to stop masturbating!" The man says, "Why?!" The doctor says, "So I can examine you."

* * *

Q: What's the hardest thing about throwing a baby down the stairs?
A: My cock.

* * *

Q: What's the best thing about fucking twenty three year olds?
A: There's twenty of 'em! (This one works better when told aloud. The missing hyphen spoils the fun when it's written out.)

* * *

A kid finds a welder's mask while playing and puts it on. A van pulls up and the guy driving says, "Hey kid, get in." The kid gets in the van, the guy locks the doors and says, "Hey kid, do you know what a handjob is?" The kid shakes his head no. "Well, do you know what a rimjob is?" The kid shakes his head no again. "Do you at least know what a blowjob is?" The kid sighs, takes the mask off, and says, "Look, Mister, I'm gonna level with you. I'm not really a welder."

* * *

A man comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase. He asks her what she's doing, and she says, "I'm moving to Vegas. I hear hookers out there get $400 a blowjob. I figured I might as well start getting paid for what I do around here for free." The husband digs his own suitcase out of the closet and starts packing alongside her. "And just where do you think you're going?" she asks. "With you," he says. "I want to see how you survive on $200 a year."

* * *

A guy goes to a bar, sees a woman, says to her, "I'd like to get out of here and go to your place. I wanna warn you, though, that I wanna do some kinky shit." She says she's fine with that, and they go to her place. She goes into the bathroom. When she comes out, they have normal, missionary-position sex. She says, "That was great, but I thought you said you wanted to do kinky stuff." "Oh yeah," he says. "When you were in the bathroom I shat in your purse and fucked your cat."

* * *

A man walks in on his daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy. He grabs the boy by the ear and drags him to his mother's house. The mother says, "It's only natural for young girls and boys to explore their sexuality by playing doctor." "Sexuality my ass!" the father says. "He took out her appendix!"

* * *

Three eight-year-old boys--one British, one American, and one French--meet at a Caribbean resort. They strike up a quick friendship and go off exploring. They hear a sound in the distance and walk toward it. They come upon a remote cabana and spy a couple inside making love to one another. "I say, what are they doing?" asks the British kid. "They're fucking," says the American kid." Yes, and badly," adds the French kid.  

* * *

Q: Can you take a bath if you have diarrhea?
A: Sure, if you have enough of it.

Maybe we should warn Jake's family not to read past the first two pages of this thread.

 You sicken me, Goiter.

I've missed this place.

Don't be frontin'. You laughed at at least four of those jokes.

A doctor brings in his next patient. The man says "Doc, I don't know why I'm here. I feel great!"

The doctor looks at the man and says "You look TERRIBLE!"

He takes a sniff and wrinkles his nose. "You SMELL terrible!"

The man says "But I feel GREAT!"

The doctor sits down, looks through his medical book for the symptoms. At last he puts it down. "I think I've figured it out. You're a vagina."

Here's a shot of The Lounge, as we were in 2005. I think Bokchoi did the Photoshop.

 Holy shit, Adam. I forgot about the Ask Jakester thread...I hope it's still there. 

And Unc, that's just awesome. Forgot all about that.

And...

"There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

 More awesome is that my post above was the 69th in this thread.

The heartwarming thing is that Jakester really, really would have approved of all this!!!

First time I have smiled in 24hrs whilst thinking about him!!!!

In the interests of carrying on as normal in his honour.......

Vacation time motherfuckers!!!!

see you all in 3 weeks.

In a strange way, there has been some good come from this tragedy: reading posts from people I haven't seen for months, if not years.  Jarrod/Cadderly, Scarlett, UncleAgent, Adam... hell, even Jack.  All we need is Bokchoi, TStone, Slammy, Bill and a few others to make an appearance.

I was planning on having a little Guinness at the local faux-British pub anyway, what with it being St. Patrick's Day and me being like, 1/64th Protestant Irish and all.  This year it will have a certain significance.

With our old forums buried, we had to figure out a way to let our veteran Maniacs know about Jakester's passing so management agreed to post it on the website itself. It's leading our Homepage today.....Here you go, Adam. Can you pass it along to Scarlett and the family?

http://www.mania.com/rip-jakester_article_137081.html

 Good job sir.

I feel an almighty night out coming on.  The kind that involves a loss of memory and at least one felony.  The kind that would have made Jakester smile.