Corona | Coming Attractions

I thought I had a greatest regret.  It was snarky and self-deprecating and ridiculous and it made people laugh.  Jake did that for me for the last decade.  He was smart and sassy and inappropriate and made me smile in the darkest times with his vunerability and his caustic wit and wonderfully cynical view of the world.  And now I regret that I can't even be there to say goodbye when I never had to chance to say hello.  I am grateful that I got to meet Diane and John, and I hope that I get the chance to meet more of you some day. 

And also- FUCK.

The last time he and I spoke could have ended about 400,000 ways better than it did. I could never figure out a way to undo what I had done there. Nothing seemed right. Now all I can think of is how lucky his family, including his extended online family was to have had such a kind, loving, funny, honorable man in their lives. Deep down, I hope he knew that even when I was unjustifiably angry with him, it was impossible to lose even any respect for the kind of man he was. Wish I would've told him that when he was still here. Lesson painfully learned. 

I've received a few texts from his sister over the past 20 minutes or so. She's understandably in denial and devastated beyond words. No idea when she'll check in here again, but I know she will and it'll mean a LOT to her and the rest of his family to see all of the kind thoughts.  

He spoke well of you to me even when you two had your kerfuffle. (I asked him what had happened, and he told me. I think I might have asked you what had happened, too. At this point, I've forgotten exactly what *did* happen.)

If it means anything, I don't think he held a grudge over the whole thing. If he did, I certainly didn't get that impression from him.

I realize I'm kinda speaking for him in his absence, and that maybe that's not so cool.

Memories and impressions are all we have left of him. I'm sure it's more than fine that we continue to share them with one another.

 It was something to do with that rat bastard Tim Tebow, as I recall, but it could not be less important right now. I appreciate you telling me that though. Not fixing things with him is always going to be a regret of mine. Like I said, lesson painfully learned. 

Another regret? Not QUITE getting to meet him when I was out that way 6 or 7 years ago. Flew to New York, was driven to Philly where we picked up a third person...who insisted that we try this amazing diner. We then drove down to DC after lunch. Turns out traffic gets kind of bad there around 4 PM, we got stuck and the window of time that Jake had available for meeting in person closed. Jake gave me endless amounts of shit about how I "spent four hours in a diner instead of meeting me?!" (it was really maybe an hour tops, I stand by that.) And I don't think I've been out to the east coast since. So close, yet so far. 

Honestly, she may not want to hear it right now, but while things didn't end well between me and Jake, I'm eternally grateful that I've stayed close with his sister. Just called her yesterday and we caught up for about ten minutes and then talked about Pretty Little Liars for another thirty. Priorities, y'all.

All of the good in him (and then some) lives on in her and I can't even imagine how badly she's hurting right now, but I hope she knows how much she's loved and that we're all here in whatever way we can be. 

 Well said, Space and everyone else..I debated all day whether I could put into words what I thought today. The emotions I was feeling so I just spoke to Jason himself..hoping that he could hear me. And I'm betting right about now he'd probably say..."Stop crying, Jarrod." with some witty one-liner about humping my leg. Just like he did a dozen years ago..

It's somewhat amazing that people we've never met can become such an integral part of our lives. I've heard various personalities examine the online world and discuss how this medium gives us all a chance to interact with people differently than we would do with those we know in the offline world. I've heard such theories but not until today did I put much thought into it.

Jakester...or Jakepoo as I would call him when he was having an amusing go at me over one thing or another...He was someone who was always nice to me. Right from the start...Sure, we had our moments when he took things too far...lol All the times he pushed my buttons...Oh my god...That was Jakester....That was the man to a "t". He knew I would have to put on the admin hat and tell him "Yo! Take that down!"  or "Bro, WTF...Stop that!"...and he did...I always had a laugh because it felt like he would do it mostly just to say "hello" my way. To keep me on my toes, sure...But also to give a reason to discuss life and everything else. 

...Damn, this effing sucks. 

Jakester. You were awesome. We will always remember you...

RIP Brother. 

 I can't believe he's gone. I was talking to him, and now this.   He's got two kids for God's sake!

 Still can't really process.  Saw the post from Jarrod yesterday when I was on the train home from work.

Got the message from Regina just as I walked in my front door.

First thing I did when I woke up this morning in the UK was reach for my iPad to check on Jakester and his progress, which is when I saw the news.  I have been crying ever since.  I can't get my head around this.  I was exchanging posts with him just over 48hrs ago.

Goits and I had an IM convo on FB last night. It was good to talk to someone with the events so new and difficult to deal with. We shared some of the posts we'd planned to make before we learned Jake's ultimate fate. It was nice to be able to vent with some slightly non-pc humor w/o the concern of rubbing anyone wrong. Just the two us dealing with life and the lack thereof.

 Yeah, when it became clear he was in a bad way I actually went and said a proper prayer for him.  Me!  A prayer!!!

Once he was back on his feet and posting, I had planned on never letting the bastard ever, ever forget that!

Can anyone remind me what Jake's favourite tipple was?  In a couple of days time, when I am half way across the Caribbean, I am going to find a quiet corner of the boat and an awesome sunset and raise a glass to him.  My friend.

It's got to be some insanely named dopplebock or mai bock or IPA.  Dogfish Head was a popular brewery for him.

http://www.dogfish.com/ 

Awful news. I always enjoyed his no holds barred sense of humor. He will be genuinely missed. Thoughts and prayers to the family.

I can't claim to have known Jakester as long or as well as most of you here, but his passing was as much of a shock to me as it was to anyone here. Internet communities such as this can seem frail to begin with, with real life usually taking precedence and affecting the way people interact online. I've been a member of other forums before, and I've come to expect that people will leave an online community for whatever reason (and we've had our fair share of departures here, too). Whenever that sort of thing happens, though, you can still maintain some hope of that person returning if they feel the urge to talk to the old gang again. The current situation, however, is an altogether new experience for me and one I wasn't entirely sure how to deal with at first.

When Goiter called me last night to tell me the sad news, we talked about Jake for a bit and at some point transitioned to our usual topics of conversation. I guess the mind wants to continue business as usual as a coping mechanism. The whole weight of the recent events didn't really hit me until sometime around 4 or 5 a.m. this morning. I unexpectedly woke up from my sleep with tears in my eyes, feeling as if an elephant were sitting on my chest. I agree with what several of you have already said: you interact online with someone you've never physically met, whose voice you've never heard, but that person takes on real meaning for you and becomes a significant part of your life.

Jake was always a fun guy and he made the Cinematic Lounge a livelier place. It's difficult to envision how it will look without him, and I can't even begin to imagine what kind of chasm his absence has created for his family. My condolences go out to his wife and children, and I hope that despite the severity of his condition he didn't suffer very long.

 Just got some texts from Regina/Scarlet. She's not able to bring herself to write on here yet, but wanted me to pass along that she's read some of what's here so far and said it was very nice to see. She's also been showing her mom all of the kind comments on Facebook and Twitter and has plans to show her the forums as well. It's "helping her to know how much everyone liked Jake." She's also shown her other brother the kind words on here and...well...I'll quote that...

"Ben, my other brother, said it's helping him too. Ben didn't really know much about Jake's online life and it's helpful to him to know that Jake had some happiness and a way of escaping the negative things in his life." 

Keep it coming, gang. I'm sure they'd love to read some fun memories as well, so maybe let's share some Jakester stories? Or else start a fundraiser for a Camaro covered in cheese? 

He had me chasing all over South East England for a particular toy the kids needed for Xmas that wasn't available in the US.  Twice!  Lots of Doctor Who themed goodies went airmail to America.

I remember he was so excited to see the pictures of the Doctor Who experience.

We used to geek out together exchanging e-mails whenever Doctor Who was on TV here and he was downloading it or waiting for it to come on BBC America.

It starts again next week on BBC One.  God, I'll miss him.

I never met Jason, but his loss has been hitting me hard. Both he and the Lounge community have been with me through so many transitions in my life in such a way that I feel each of you has become a part of me, in what I now think and reflect on. For a large period in my life, I didn't have very many social interactions and I felt isolated. Cinescape changed all of that. I found a voice and a family through fandom. When I felt comfortable and confident enough, I crossed the boundaries of the 007 Forum and into The Lounge. That's when things got crazy, but in a wonderful sort of way! This was new for me, and very addicting. I could easily lose hours a day sitting upright at my keyboard and loving it. Jakester was a major force in this. He posted shit, that until then, only my closest buds would utter amongst very close earshot. Boobies... and stuff. The sort of material that in today's PC world would be deemed crass or insensitive. Yet Jake was none of that. He could say the most outrageous stuff and never came off as a mean or cheap. No, he always struck me as one cool, collected dude and one whose comfort and confidence I wanted deparately to incorporate into my being. As cool as he was, he never carried an air or sense of exclusion. I always felt comfortable in that he never created a "cool table" in The Lounge. We all bonded, despite our baggage. There were ups, there were downs and the many times we got shitty, through it all, we always had the Jakester and he always seemed to find a way to throw boobies into the mix. I liked that.

Jakester was never one-dimensional or shallow. When I was in high points of my life, he always came forth privately and publicly in the celebration. In my low points, he offered sincere condolences, sympathy and support. He was truly a large on-line personality whose wit, irreverence/irrelevance and balls brightened my days. Yesterday. the news sort of numbed me, but today my eyes cannot stop watering. I don't feel like I lost an on-line acquiantance. I feel like a part of my past has been lost. It sounds overstated, understated, cliche - whatever! - whenever we talk about our on-line families and communities, but this one feels as real as anything. I miss Jason.

To those of you who are an on-going part of The Lounge, I am grateful and happy to know you.

I woke up this morning and had absolutely no idea what day it was. I've been going through my regular Saturday routines, but I haven't stopped thinking about Jakester once. Doing random things like going out to get the newspaper, I'll just be hit with a sudden sadness. In one way I can't wait for this to pass, but in another I don't ever want to forget.

I've been going through our Facebook chat history and some old posts. It's nice to know that some part of us lingers on electronically. I tried getting to the CA 1.0 forums via archive.org's Wayback Machine, but I'm only able to get to the main forum page. It's cool how many different forums we had back then, and it's cooler still how active some of them were.

It was nice to be able to chat with Q. Non-PC is our natural mode, so it can be a bit hard to check it. I'd like to think I'd want people to keep ribbing me for my foibles and flaws even after I died, if only to lighten the mood. I had a couple moments where I'd think to myself, "Jakester would have wanted it this way!" or "I bet Jakester would appreciate this joke!" I've always hated it when others have insisted somebody who's no longer around "would have wanted it this way," though, so I tempered my usual jokiness.

I was kinda hoping Dalty would say something insanely corny, since Dalty pretty much has a lifetime pass to say something corny regardless of the circumstance.

Jubbers was hit pretty hard by all this. She made a split decision last night for us to drive to her parents' house. There's other stuff going on that she was already down about, but the news about Jakester was the catalyst for our trip out west.

This isn't to say I wasn't hit hard. I have a habit of alternating between lethargic and sentimental extremes when a loved one dies. I've alternated between the two a half dozen times today.

It'll probably take a few days for it to sink in that there won't be any new Jakester posts to read. It's all still a bit abstract for me. There was always a warmth to knowing there was more ribaldry to come. 

Dalty:

If you haven't already shared the detail on Jakey's wall about shipping presents from the UK, you should do it. His wife's collecting memories for the kids. My guess is that they'll eventually get to see the contents of this page, but I'm sure they'd be happy to get an early glance at it.

 Hi everyone,

This post might not make sense and might be a little self-indulgent but I am.... I am so gutted. I haven't been to his Facebook since it happened. I can't go there. I can't. It makes it real somehow. My brothers & my mom have all read everyone's comments. I couldn't go to Facebook, but I could come here. You were all home to him.

You were all family to my brother. He loved you. Jake's life wasn't always great. You gave him joy - snarky, witty, joy. 

When I was in college, CA 1.0 gave me a way to stay connected with him. This might sound strange, but some of our best conversations were had on CA. Both Jake and I have trouble communicating verbally, we're inner world kind of people. Typing is an easier form of expression. 

In a lot of ways, Jake was more like a father to me than a brother. I can't really get into detail because I'll just lose it, so to keep it shallow.... When I was little, he was my world. I soaked up everything he liked - books, music, movies. I wouldn't be the geek I am today without him. I wouldn't be the woman I am today without him.

I really don't want to post this because that makes it real. Everyone wants to talk to me and see how I am but all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry until it stops being real. I know that's not rational or practical. But it's where I am.

But I know so many of you are hurting too. And I want you to know how much he valued you. 

Before he was airlifted to Washington Hospital he called me. He called me to say goodbye just in case and we said our I love yous, but he also wanted me to have his Facebook password because he wanted to make sure his online family knew that he loved them. He wanted me to tell all of you that you were very much in his heart. 

I know it's silly but I'm also thinking about Doctor Who. Jake got me into the show. And now I won't get to text him during the show and talk about who/what Oswin is. And Julia, his daughter, won't ever get to watch Doctor Who with her father again. It sounds trivial but the small moments in life matter just as much, if not more, than the big ones. Jake loved his kids. Everything he did was for them. 

We haven't set the memorial date yet but I decided that when we do, I'm going to wear a Batman shirt to the service. I brought the idea up to my other brothers and we've decided to ask everyone to wear something Batman related to the service. It was the best I could think to honor my brother.

So.... the technical stuff. I don't know what details have been posted on FB, so here's what happened: It turns out that he had an aneurysm months ago (that's a guestimate). It was a small one, so he probably never felt it or thought it was nothing serious. By the time he felt real pain on Thursday, it was already too late. All of his organs had already begun to shut down and his heart was like tissue paper. That last bit are the exact words of the doctor.... tissue paper. I can't get that out of my mind. The stitches didn't have anything to hold onto. He was in surgery for 8 hours. My mom said the doctor was in tears at the end. He was in the best hands possible. It just wasn't enough.

The doctor did say that this was caused by his underlying mitochondrial disease, something which I and another of my brothers also have. The scariest thing about this disease is that it doesn't have a roadmap. It doesn't follow a pattern. Sometimes I feel like we are all just ticking time bombs waiting for something to blow up and give out. 2 years ago, our other brother had 3 blood clots. He was only 35. He survived, even though the doctors said he wouldn't. So when Jake was in surgery we just kept telling ourselves that he would make it. We've all stared this disease in the face before and told it to fuck off. We thought that would happen this time, too.

God, I know that's morbid and horribly sad and probably shit you guys don't want to read. I haven't talked about it like this at all or even expressed my thoughts really to anyone. My family is so devastated. All I want to do is hold everyone else when they cry. All I can think about is my mom and Jake's two kids. 

I'm sorry for rambling. I'm not really together at the moment. I feel like I'll never be whole again.

As soon as we set the memorial date I'll let Adam know, though I'm sure either Jake's wife or I will post it to Facebook.

Thank you all for letting me ramble. Thank you all for loving my brother. I wish he knew how loved he was. I don't know when I'll be back to posting on here but Adam knows how to reach me, so if any of you need anything just let Adam know and he can get a message to me.

I am so sorry that you are all so hurt. I hope that it helps to know that Jason cared for you as much as you cared for him. Often times, Jake's online family was a light in the dark to him. And I hope it helps to know that your kind words and memories of him are helping my family get through this. You have no idea what your words mean to my mom. 

I know that Jake would want me to insert a dirty joke here but I can't think of one right now. So, drink some Guinness and listen to Marillion or Depeche Mode, read some Gaiman or Adams and think of my brother.

I wish I could hug all of you. 

Thanks, Scarlet.

@Scarlet: Will this sort of thing be something his kids will have to deal with as they get older as well, since it is genetic and it has affected all of you siblings?

I seriously looked to Jakester as a parenting role model. I liked how he encouraged his kids' interests, such as helping Julia with her cookie sales, and how he introduced them to all sorts of wonderful things, like Dr. Who and movies they may or may not have been technically too young for. I feel like I really got to know him and his kids through Facebook this last year, and it made me hopeful as a scared-shitless soon-to-be-parent. I'm really going to miss him, and I know I will think of him every time I watch an episode with Amy Pond in it..

The first person who gets up the nerve to post a dirty joke gets the post of the day award from Goits.

I know I shouldn't speak as to what Goits will do, but I'm speaking as to what Goits will do.

Now I feel extra pressure to post a dirty joke, since I usually award myself those awards.

 Well...we're WAITING!