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The Ballad of Beau Watkins

Posted by atrejub on Thursday, March 4, 2010

Much has been told of late in these parts about that man, that legend Beau Watkins. Figured I'd lay down the tale for those that wanna hear it. Gather 'round the guitar and listen well...

atrejub
Location:
Posts: 739
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

The Ballad of Beau Watkins

Beau Watkins is his name,
A giant of a man,
Six foot eight but the same
As he's ever been.

When he was but a small lad,
Watkins went abroad to the land o' 'Krauts.
They threw van after van at him,
But that Watkins remained stout.

One mighty van, a postal type,
Finally knocked our hero down,
But Watkins lives on today,
While that van lies underground.

Beau Watkins is his name,
A giant of a man,
Seven two but the same
As he's ever been.

The mighty boy Watkins,
Though scarcely seven years of age,
Obtained a mighty erection
Lying there wrapped in bandages.

His member stiff and tall
unleashed an arching stream of urine
Which poured into his mouth;
His maw maw's laughter was a given.

Beau Watkins is his name,
A giant of a man,
Eight foot four but the same
As he's ever been.

He tore open his knee one day;
At the bone, the other kids were gawkin'.
Word spread quickly 'mong the throngs:
You don't fuck with that Beau Watkins.

Tore his stitches open three, four times
But gangrene would have to wait another day.
He knows karate, got a black belt,
And so mean ol' gangrene knows to run away.

Beau Watkins is his name,
A giant of a man,
Nine foot five but the same
As he's ever been.

That Beau Watkins is more than a man.
He can whistle Mozart with all the parts,
Has hooks for feet, but no teeth,
And can eat a homeless man's heart.

If Watkins were to do your wife,
Be sure to film the whole sordid affair.
The tape would be lovelier than
The Mona Lisa or Beethoven's Air.

Beau Watkins is his name,
A giant of a man,
Ten foot three but the same
As he's ever been.

So worship not Chuck Norris;
Watkins surely has him beat in ev'ry way.
He cares so hard, so fucking hard,
That choirs of children call out and say:

“Put away all those old heroes,
They are peanuts in comparison
To that giant among men
That good ol' Beau Watkins.”

Jack S. Pharaoh
Location:
Posts: 2231
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

Damn it, now I'm definitely not going to win post of the day.

Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

It's not all it's cracked up to be. I've got one before, and I couldn't even get a penny for it at the pawn shop. Now I can't even remember where I left it.

And no, it's not at home washin' its tights!

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

It's on the shelf in your downstairs crapper, next to the Emmy.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
HI MY NAME IS GUS
Location:
Posts: 357
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

His name is Bil-Beau (Bil-Beau)
Bil-Beau Watkins,
The bravest little poppet of them all...

Think of me as a megaphone directed at God's eardrum, my child.
Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

A suck poppet?

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
HI MY NAME IS GUS
Location:
Posts: 357
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

A Spock puppet, actually. Well, Nimoy was singing at least...

Think of me as a megaphone directed at God's eardrum, my child.
Mal Shot First
Location:
Posts: 3180
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

The Continuing Story of Ol' Beau Watkins

Hey, ol' Beau Watkins,
What are your sins,
Ol' Beau Watkins?

He went out date a-raping with his giant cock and charm.
In case they don't comply he always goes out armed.
He's a ten-foot hobo-eating man from an Alabama farm.
All the children sing

Hey, ol' Beau Watkins,
What are your sins,
Ol' Beau Watkins?

Deep in Corona, there the mighty Goiter writes:
"Beau is the fantasy with which I spend my nights."
If ol' Beau ever read this, he would punch out Goiter's lights.
All the children sing

Hey, ol' Beau Watkins,
What are your sins,
Ol' Beau Watkins?

The children asked him if to kill was not a sin.
As he bashed in their heads, Beau couldn't help but grin.
He was as relieved as when he shat himself in Berlin.
All the children sing

Hey, ol' Beau Watkins,
What are your sins,
Ol' Beau Watkins?

Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

I have a feeling we need to stop delving into the life of Ol' Beau Watkins.

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
atrejub
Location:
Posts: 739
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

Mal Shot First wrote:


Ol' Beau Watkins?The children asked him if to kill was not a sin.

As Beau bashed in their heads, he couldn't help but grin.

He was as relieved as when he shat himself in Berlin.

All the children sing

Yours is a far better ballad than mine. I am no longer worthy to compose poems about ol' Beau Watkins.

Mal Shot First
Location:
Posts: 3180
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

atrejub wrote:

Yours is a far better ballad than mine. I am no longer worthy to compose poems about ol' Beau Watkins.

Well, I did have the Beatles helping me.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

You can never, ever go wrong with "Bungalow Bill."

If looks could kill, it would have been us instead of him.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

Am I crazy, or did Beau Watkins invent inventing?

Don't answer that first part.

spammityspam
Location:
Posts: 186
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

Beau Watkins invented the internet.

"Men weren't really the enemy - they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill." -- Betty Friedan
Dirty Harry Potter
Location:
Posts: 284
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

spammityspam wrote:

Beau Watkins invented the internet.

No that was Al Gore. All Beau Watkins did was write a useless song and put it on Myspace.

Yer 15 minutes are up, Beau.

There is no why
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago
Dirty Harry Potter
Location:
Posts: 284
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

Well SG, let's hope he wins an Emmy. Good enough for Milli Vanilli, good enough for Beau Watkins.

There is no why
Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

Could be worse, could be an MTV Award. Not even any use as a door stop.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 7 years 40 weeks ago

Ol' Hick Beau was a merry old soul, and a merry old soul was he
He called for his wife, he pulled out 'lil Beau, and he told her to fiddle with glee

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
atrejub
Location:
Posts: 739
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

Hey, guys. Remember the time Ol' Beau Watkins ate and shat out a bicycle in under three hours? Said it was so's he could scratch an itch "the hard way."

I asked him, once, why he didn't just shove the bike up his ass instead of swallowing it. "Exit only," he said. Ol' Beau Watkins is a fucking liar. I've seen him shove kindergartners up that ass of his. Not to scratch an itch, mind you. No. No, he was just being mean. They always came out looking pretty happy, though, so could be he was doin' 'em a favor. Came out smellin' pretty good, too. If there's any ass you'd want to be up, it's the ass of Ol' Beau Watkins.

These days, he's lucky to digest a bike in under a week. I'd say it's all the hard living, but if that were the case, he'd've been taking three days to shit out a bike far back as a decade ago. Maybe it's that he wants to savor things more.

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

I heard he ate two wheels, a chain, a saddle, a gear arrangement, a frame and some handlebars over the course of 2 days, and then shat out the completed bike. His lower intestine is just THAT awesome.

The best part was the bell. It had a bell, but he didn't eat no bell. Go figure.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

He must have fashioned it from some excess metal, the way a skilled sex change surgeon can mold a clitoris from a bit of glans.

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

Last time Beau made love, he made a bag of glans from a clitoris.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 10 weeks 5 days ago

Everyone sit back and let me spin you this tale
Of a remarkable young man most hardy and hale
A legend in 'Bama to this very day
And by the end of this song, you won't know if he's gay
It's Ol' Beau

Ol' Beau, Ol' Beau-ohhhh
Beau Wat-kins

On the day he was born, his parents caressed his skin
"We'll call him Tom like the rest of his kin"
With eyes of steel, Beau stared his pa down
"You'll call me Ol' Beau," Beau said with a frown
I'm Ol' Beau

Somewhere down the road, Beau got a step dad
A porn stash and 'stache was all that he had
"I'll guard that porn well," Beau said with a grin
And before you could spit, the lads were comin' in
To see Beau

Ol' Beau, Ol' Beau-ohhhh
Beau Wat-kins

The next several years are a bit of a blur
The details are murky of just what did occur
In the land of der Fuhrer he spent quite a spell
And some even believe there's a footprint in hell
From Ol' Beau

Now the town of the arch is where Beau resides
He endures flicks all day of all shapes and size
His favorite is Little Man, the jewel in his crown
But if you travel nearby, he won't be around
There's no Beau

No Beau, No Beau-ohhhh
Beau Wat-kins

His friends are quite highbrow, that means they're a snob
They scream "You're at Applebees? You're such a knob!"
So now you know Beau's story through 'n through
And I'll sit on a dick if none of it's true
About Beau

Ol' Beau, Ol' Beau-ohhhh
Beau Wat-kins

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
HI MY NAME IS GUS
Location:
Posts: 357
Posted: 7 years 36 weeks ago

The only flaw with this poem is the unsettling amount of trivial anecdotes from his life that you've somehow managed to recall.

Why o why did you remember them?

Also: going to Applebees was considered "kind of pedestrian," just to be precise.

Think of me as a megaphone directed at God's eardrum, my child.